I came in to work today to find out one of my clients had died over the weekend. This is never an easy thing to hear. When you sit with someone and connect with them, it becomes difficult to imagine the world without them. It doesn’t help that my own mother died a year ago this October 11th, and her birthday is in two days. I can’t say I miss her because we weren’t close, but it is in her absence that I remember how much I loved her when I was a small child. That’s the weird thing. In life I focused on the negative, though I always said I forgave her. In death, I can actually feel the love I felt for her long ago, and it hurts.
It’s strange to me to feel sadness. I know that when we die, we simply pass through the door we came through before entering the world. We go back to where we came from. But it is an odd feeling being in a world that is absent that person because it seems like they have always been here, and they should stay.
The first ‘real’ death I experienced was a close friend. He died at 19. His funeral was open casket and I remember looking into his casket at his body thinking, “He’s right there. But he is so not there. Where is he if he is no longer there….and how can he just be gone?” I didn’t cry. I was numb.
So regardless of the illusion of death, and no matter how much we have come to terms, there is still a void we have to cope with. It’s okay to be sad.
Sometimes I think to myself that death …maybe…isn’t even real. Maybe the ones who have died have merely went to a parallel universe and are continuing from there. There were many instances I thought I could have died, and maybe in some sense I did. In that reality it’s a possibility I did die, but created a new reality around me where I didn’t -a parallel universe. To me it feels at times that we are constantly shifting into a new reality -like, every single time a decision is made.
In the meantime I will sit in my office and listen to quiet music and silently mourn because regardless of reality shifts, those I have lost so far are clearly gone from mine.